I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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