remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
