before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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