dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize