If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
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