I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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