Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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