Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
