ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
