pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
