chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
