I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize