For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize
