I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
