I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
