the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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