its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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