He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
