If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize