Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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