Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
