i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
