i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
