No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
