U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
we're so committed to being not committed
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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