The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
