Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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