It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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