You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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