Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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