hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
