what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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