Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
