The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
