My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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