we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
