I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
