By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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