I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You're a waste of cheezeits
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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