It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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