she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
