I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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