Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
