there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
