peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
COCAINE IS GR8
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
