CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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