When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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