I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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