I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
