my phone needs a breathalizer
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
