Im at strip club and am horny
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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