i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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