I wish I could teleport
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
