i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
