shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
