Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
