If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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