Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
So much rum. So many feels.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
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