a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
