I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize