I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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